It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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