Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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