you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
