I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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