you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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