found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How's work?
Spinning.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
