id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
