i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I came so hard my ears popped.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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