this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
God, I missed his penis.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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