I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
