I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
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Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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