am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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