I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
my poor anus
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
