from now on my penis is your penis
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
