She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
