Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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