DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my phone needs a breathalizer
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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