Please, let me fuck your mom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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