so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
