she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
