You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
