There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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