I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it's like iHOP with fire
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
