thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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