sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Randomize
