you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I still have a little drunk in my system
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
