Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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