I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
