First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
