I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
