i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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