You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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