I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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