Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
