walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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