your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
