What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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