checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
