She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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