He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
