my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
