Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
