How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
