cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
