and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
