my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
