This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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