he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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