Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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