Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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