and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real