Your face is a jimmy john
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
