As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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