During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
