I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
