hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
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at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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