is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
