im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
