Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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