just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
