I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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